#BlackHistoryMonthChallenge: We Will Always Let You Down

Day 13, and I want to again hold myself accountable. The purpose of the #BlackHistoryMonth challenge is to help other white and white-passing folks become aware of anti-Blackness in our society. It is not to shame others or claim I’m the best, wokest ally. We ALL have internalized white supremacy, because it is indoctrinated throughout our society. By holding myself accountable, I hope I help foster understanding that we must also look within.

So, here goes. I remember a time when I used to be excited when I could introduce Black people that I knew to each other. In my mind, it was a way to prove I was down and validate my status as “one of the good white people”.

I was still centering myself, unaware, because I was getting a sense of virtue out if it. I desperately wanted to be “good” for my own self-perception. Or should I say, my own self-congratulation.

When I first heard a Black woman say, “all white people will let you down at some point”, immediately felt a sense of denial. I wanted to believe that I was an exception, that I could work hard enough to overcome this. That I was special and different.

When I finally let go of that feeling, I was able to actually absorb what that statement meant. I was able to admit to myself that *no matter how hard I try* sometimes I will still fuck up. Sometimes I will say something not realizing the impact it has on another. Sometimes I will still fail to see something happening until it’s too late.

And by acknowledging this, I will be in a better position to actually listen and receive the feedback about it — without being defensive or trying to prove my virtue.